As we despair at reports of the intractable career politicians and dogmatic toddler brained representatives we foolishly elected to Congress trying to send the most powerful country in the world to Hell in a hand cart, we are all missing the most obvious solution to the problem: Motivate the legislation, and do it right.
Psychologist Vladas Griskevicius explained on NPR’s Morning Edition that the House and Senate are playing a game of economic roulette with the United States’ economy because they are unable to foresee future consequences of their actions. Immediate personal consequences, he explained, specifically taking away their parking spaces, would expedite their decision making process.
“Suppose that we say that if the budget isn’t reduced, Congress isn’t paid anymore,” he said. “Or worse yet, suppose they lose their parking spots if the deficit isn’t reduced two years from now. All of a sudden you’re going to see all kinds of self control adopted.”
The man has a point.
Unfortunately, neither the President nor John Boehner has power over parking spaces. War yes. Parking spaces, no, so if the representatives we elected cannot understand urgency and only function on the basis of an immediate rewards system, we need to find another commodity to award or withdraw. What could that be? Nothing could be easier.
What would your mother have done in the face of your bone headed adolescent intransigence? Sent you to bed without dinner, that’s what. What, I ask you, is the most powerful driving force? How did Mom reward you when you were good? Food. That’s the ticket.
The answer is to withhold food. If it works with two year olds and fifteen year olds, it will certainly work with our legislators, who have proven that they are no smarter than toddlers and teens. In the current climate, that should be easy.
The situation is ideal. There are 435 Representatives in the House and 100 Senators, most of whom are holed up in their offices or cheap hotel rooms during the debates. They have to eat something, and right now it’s either at the restaurant or Pizza delivery.
We in the food and beverage industry – that is our colleagues in DC – are in a historically unique position of influence right now. Lobbyists ain’t got nuttin’ on restaurants, pizza delivery and take out Chinese. All they have to do to motivate Congress to come to an agreement on raising the debt limit so that America’s credit rating isn’t slashed, plunging the country into economic oblivion is cut the suckers off. Don’t let them in the door, don’t deliver. Let them exist on instant ramen, power bars, and black bean soup. Withhold Beano, as well, and for the love of Democracy, cut off their bar privileges.
Cut off their staff, too. We don’t want them sneaking Styrofoam clam shells of steak back from the Capitol Grill or slices from Domino’s to the pol’s hotel rooms or office cots, and a hoard of cranky young secretaries will give them even more immediate reason to resolve the issue.
If Heidi Fleiss were back in business, there would be further options, but it’s probably illegal for Twitter to cut their access, so, Chefs and Restaurant Owners of Washing DC, the onus is on you. Jose! Nora! Ronald McDonald! Do NOT FEED THE CONGRESSMEN. Nor the Senators. Be bipartisan. Not Republicans, not Democrats. When they do the right thing, send them tapas, que and doughnuts. Until then, cut them off. Be hard and resolute. You have power. We need you to exercise it. Pass it on.